One Year

One year ago at this time, Mom and Dad and Jonathan and Missy had come in town. We went to Maple Lane Farms, and laughed as we watched my Dad and Jonathan climb all the way to the top of a rock wall. We ate dinner at Sullivan's afterwards, and had a wonderful weekend together as a family.

Seven months ago, Mom and Dad came to visit, and it was very important to my Dad that he show us where he grew up, his home, the church he went to, and various places around Knoxville. We all loaded up in the car and took a tour of Knoxville, with my Dad pointing out lots of memories from his childhood. I'm so thankful for this.

Six months ago, we had everyone in town again, and we went to Dollywood. My Dad wasn't feeling well, but we attributed it to the ulcers they had recently discovered, and still enjoyed a fun weekend together, riding rides, talking, laughing.

Five months ago today, my Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I can recall the day in vivid detail.

One month ago, everyone was here again for Ansley's birthday party. My Dad was feeling good - after the party, he cleaned the kitchen, cleaned up all the wrapping paper, and played with Ansley for a long time.

One week ago, my parents came to visit while John was out of town. Dad wasn't doing well - he slept a lot while he was here, but I was glad they were able to come. It was great company, and Ansley was by her PopPop's side the entire time, offering him stuffed animals to make him feel better and following him outside to get some fresh air.

Today, my Dad is dying. My Dad is dying. The signs are there; the cancer is taking over much faster that we ever imagined. It is heartbreaking. I do not posess a knowledge of the English language to accurately convey what I am feeling. I am sad, I am so very, very sad. I am sad for me. I can't imagine life without my Dad. I am sad for my brother. I am sad for my Mom - how do you lose your constant companion of 38 years? I am sad for Ansley. She loves her PopPop, and always wants to be around him. I am sad for Christian. He will never know him. I feel as if I may never stop crying.

When I take my kids to get their vaccines, they don't like them. They are in pain, they are suffering. But I know - I see the bigger picture, and I know it is for their good. It is necessary. It is because I love them. Particularly as Ansley has gotten older, I can see in her face when she is getting her vaccines - the pain. She looks at me as if to say "Mommy, why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me! How can you do this??"

I like to think this is what my Father is thinking. Even though through my sadness I cry out "God, why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me! How could you do this?" I know that He does. I know that He loves me, and Jonathan and Mom and Dad and Ansley and Christian, more than I could ever fathom. I know He sees the bigger picture, one that I could not possibly grasp. I will probably never understand it, at least in this life, but He doesn't ask me to understand, just to trust.

And so I cling to that. And I hear God whispering "I am here. My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9, The Message

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I am so thankful for all of your phone calls, emails, and comments. If you've talked to me on the phone, you know while I cry through most of the conversation, I am still grateful for your friendship, and it helps to talk about it. When I read your emails or comments, I cry through most of those too, but I am thankful. Thankful for the prayers, the support, the friends that we have, and the friends that my parents have. My Mom is as well. She prints out my posts and the comments and reads them to my Dad.

If there is anything you would like to say or let me or Mom and Dad know, please do so. I can't express how encouraging it is to read words from friends - uplifting, inspiring, caring, loving. We are so appreciative in this difficult time. So, please, if you feel so inclined, leave your words here. We treasure them.

Cade's Cove. June 9, 2007

Comments

[Jennifer Harden]

Your family should be very proud of themselves. The way all of you have handled this situation with such grace and faithfulness is really a testament to what kind of Christians your father, and The Father, has made his family. It's easy to praise God and have faith when you're enjoying windfalls in your life - a job promotion, a raise, a new home, etc. But to show such faith and continue to praise God in the deepest throes of sadness is amazing and an example for those people around you.

At times like this it would be easy to get mad and demand of God, "Why me?" but your family has taken a different path - to truly see that God has answered your prayers. He is going to alleviate the pain of this horrible disease for your father - in his way.

God IS amazing and truly does work in wonderous ways = the day I found out your father's recent prognosis, I went home and Oprah was on my DVR. Professor Randy Pausch was a guest that day. He's 46 years old and was recently told he had 3-6 months to live from pancreatic cancer. He has 3 children under the age of 5. He gave a speech at his university that has been downloaded over 1 million times in the last month or so. He gave that same speech on Oprah and it moved me to tears. He is an amazing man and I couldn't help but notice similarities between him and your father. If you haven't already seen it, I encourage you to watch the video here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=k0aO64aKqek

God bless you all,
Jennifer

[Amber]

Hey, Megan. I understand all too well the pain you and your family are going through. I also know that despite our sorrow at our loss, we were truly thankful that God took my father's pain away. He took my father's broken body and healed it as only He could. We prayed for so long that my dad would be relieved of his sickness, for all of his pain to be taken away. He was. It was. Just not in our way. God chose to take my dad home, healed.

My neice asked me not too long ago, "Where is your dad?" I said, "He's in Heaven." She said, "Really? Wow, that must be awesome!." At four, she had no idea what those words mean to me. It really must be awesome to be in Heaven. Close to our Savior. Free at last.

I know how incredibly difficult it will be for you, for your mom, for your family. But in the toughest times, cling to the truth that Heaven is AWESOME...and that's where you God really wants us to be.

I love you. I am praying for you. If you need anything I'm here.
Amber

[Ashley]

I am singing, and the song I'm singing I just sent a copy to you via email with a link (wait for the second email to listen to the whole thing). Thinking of you constantly!

[Alicia]

Hi, friend -- funny to think that I was Ansley's age when I met you and your family. I have been thinking of you so much the past few days and praying for your family... my parents are praying, too. I think that as I get older I have become more aware that my parents are getting older too, but I don't think you can ever really be ready to lose them, especially when they've been such great parents, like your dad. I appreciate your eternal perspective -- that you aren't really losing him, just sending him home early, even if it seems too early. Will keep praying. Love, A

[Candace]

Oh Megan, I am crying as I read your post...and I do not even have the blessing of knowing your dad. I am so very sorry! I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain...but know that I will be praying. Your trust in the Lord is a beautiful testimony to the world around you!

[Liz]

Hi Megan, Your blog has become one of my first internet stops each day. You have some amazing words of wisdom already written, but wanted to log in again to say I'm still praying.

[Lynda Lee]

Megan, we were blessed to have your parents as neighbors. They sometimes shared holiday dinners with us after one of your dad's long holiday workdays. I so enjoyed sharing backyard moments with your mom and playing Bunco together. Your dad is a kind and gracious man, but you already know that. He gave our son, Matt, a job at Penney's when he couldn't find the first, "after college," job that he wanted. Your parents kept tabs on our adult children and shared the news of what was going on with their adult children and grandchildren.

We are also blessed to be receiving these blogs from you. Even through your pain, you are rejoicing. What an inspiration you are. Know that God is working not only to help you, but to help others through you. Thank you for sharing.

Lovingly,

Lynda Lee