I have a million thoughts swirling around in my head. For some reason, I turn to the blog because it seems cathartic in a sense, to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head instead of swishing around up there, like waves going back and forth, causing my brain to hurt and my heart to ache.
The people from hospice care came by to talk to my Mom and see how my Dad is doing. I continue to be in shock at how quickly my Dad has gone from being seemingly fine to showing the "signs" that death is approaching. I didn't even know there were signs. And apparently my Dad has been showing signs for a little while. Things like withdrawing from everyday life, eating less, confusion - those are all signs of dying. It's amazing to me that I am even able to talk about stuff like this. Death has always been somewhat scary to me - an unknown, an ending, a tragic loss. This is probably because I've never had to deal with a loved one dying, so I've never thought much about it. Until now.
Isaiah 57:1 says "The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil."
Psalm 116:15 says "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."
And so it would appear that God views death differently than I do. Not unknown, but forever with Him. Not an end, but a glorious beginning. Not tragedy, but triumph. And while it's hard for me to see it from that perspective, that is only because I have a limited human view. If I could see what He sees, I bet I would be overwhelmed with happiness for my Dad! Perhaps even envious! "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
I know my journey, our journey as a family, through this is far from over. There is still comfort in knowing that my Dad is still here, that we can talk to him and see him. I can't imagine how that will feel to know that, in this life, I will not see him again. I will never hear him laugh, hear one of his goofy jokes or see him playing with Ansley and feel my heart swell. While I can try to prepare my head and heart, I don't think that is really possible. The loss is great. The sadness threatens to overwhelm me. I am so profoundly changed by facing the death of my Dad that I can't even recall who I was before, when I worried about trivial things and laughed without a care. Will I always feel this way? And I also imagine this is why we go through trials and sorrows - to know Him better. To rely on Him more. To realize the things that are important. To cherish this fleeting life. If life was always sweet and good, we probably wouldn't turn to Him nearly as often.
I know that this temporary separation is just that - temporary. I will hear his laugh and his jokes again. Too long for me, but probably in the blink of an eye for him.
We are heading to Nashville tomorrow. I worry that this will happen - that this is happening - all too quickly, and I want to make sure I am there. Already he is sleeping most of the day and not really eating at all. It was too fast. It happened so quickly. And Satan wants me to cry "Why, God? Why do you heal some, and not others? You can heal him, I know You can! Why won't You?"
But I really don't. I will never know the answers. I will never understand the complete picture. And I'm okay with that.
I know the Lord is near.
All I can say is WOW! It is just an honor to walk through this part of your journey with you and see how God is sharpening you, which in turn is sharpening me!! Love you dearly!
Posted by: Ashley | October 25, 2007 at 02:07 PM
Megan, I continue to be so inspired by your faith and eloquence of putting your many, many emotions into words of such a deep, personal journey. Your posts have had me in tears. It's such a beautiful thing that admist what I'm sure are so many unanswered questions, you refuse to let Satan get to you, and rather remain steadfast in your faith and trust in God's ultimate plan, despite the fact that, like you said, you will never understand the complete picture. Yes, the Lord is near, has been near, and will ALWAYS be near. I pray for peace and comfort and strength to surround you in the days and weeks to come as you travel to be near your dad. I worked with Hospice before becoming a mom,(so yes, you would think I would be able to speak so much more eloquently on this subject, yet I find I am at a complete loss for the right words to even come close to comfort you) and I pray your dad and mom and your whole family will find them to be an added source of strength and understanding through this whole process. Thank you again for allowing us to be a part of such a personal journey with you and your family, so that most importantly we can hold you up in our prayers.
Posted by: Desta | October 25, 2007 at 02:29 PM
Megan,
I know we have never met on an official basis and have truly only spoken a few times through a few emails but I check in on your world often and have "watched" all that has gone on with your dad these last five months.
I am overwhelmed and without the right words to express the feelings I get when I have read your blogs this past week. Your strength is the most impressive, and your sadness so honest. My heart aches for you and my tears have flowed freely everytime I read about and think about what you and your family are experiencing and feeling.
You have driven me to look at my own life and my own relationships to make some much needed changes...so thank you!
I hope that I have the honor to meet you in person one day because you are a remarkable woman and someone I would be proud to know.
Love and Prayers from my family to yours...
Posted by: Stephanie Campbell [friend of Desta's in Atlanta] | October 25, 2007 at 02:34 PM
Megan, through your tears and your willingness to share your honest emotions, we are here with you during this experience. While I can only read your words, and embrace your heart in my mind, our heavenly Father is walking this step in step with all of you, embracing you and empowering you through it all. How evident to all of us that He is near you at this time. So very, very near. We can feel it even through reading your words. Thank you for allowing us into this very private place, to share with you in pain in sorrow, and rejoice with you in the lavishing comfort of God's peace.
Posted by: Christina Sallustio | October 25, 2007 at 03:25 PM
Hey friend. not sure I can add much to the beautiful posts above. All I can say is stay in the Word and keep blogging. Your words are healing you and inspiring others. Your Father and your father are honored.
love you.
Posted by: kimberly | October 25, 2007 at 04:59 PM
Another amazing entry--I wish I could give you a real hug, but and internet one is all I can provide (((((((HUGS)))))))). I too am being shaped by your perspective, I hope this brings you a smile to know you are doing God's work.
Posted by: Liz | October 25, 2007 at 08:56 PM
Megan- I having been holding off with a post until now as I wasn't sure my comment belonged in such a personal place. I just have to let you know that even though we have never met I know that you are a truly amazing woman so full of faith, love and compassion. Your entries this week have been so inspiring and confirmed my feelings that we have to trust God's plan. My tears too have flowed freely for you and your family. You are so amazing to watch through this journey and I am so glad that you feel the closeness of the Lord. Safe travels to be with your Dad. Love, Emily
Posted by: Emily | October 25, 2007 at 10:52 PM
Just wanted to tell you that we love you, your husband and your children, in the truest sense of the word. We are here for anything, at all, that you need.
Posted by: Mark | October 25, 2007 at 11:39 PM
Megan - thank you for your honesty as you talk about this time with your family. I am crying - for your pain, for your family's pain as well. Your faith is so uplifting and encouraging, reading it makes me want to print out your posts so that when the time comes when I have to go through something like this, I can remind myself of GOd's truths in our struggles and in death. God is using you during this time. You are in my prayers.
Posted by: Stephanie Clanton | October 26, 2007 at 12:21 AM
Megan- I actually met you once, in NC. I worked for your Dad at JCP, and we also attended the same church. He was an amazing boss, and he talked about all of you all the time. My husband (Chris) and I have been praying since we learned the news from the church here. Still are. Harder. I lost my dad in Aug., so I know all of those feelings. Still feeling them. Take care of yourself and your family and thanks for keeping all of us posted. Sherri Siegel
Posted by: Sandswepte | October 27, 2007 at 09:04 PM