Lifesong

breathe

I greatly despise colds. They are just so irritating. I don't have a cold now, but just thinking about it makes me cringe. The worst part is the not-being-able-to-breathe-through-my-nose part. I hate that part. Particularly when the congestion is so bad you have to leave your mouth open just to breathe. And there's always some point in the cold's duration - usually around day 5 or 6 - when I just can't remember what it was like to breathe normally. It feels like I've always been congested, and I think, what was it like to just breathe in and breathe out through my nose, and enjoy that feeling? I take it for granted, the being able to breathe easy part, and then when I'm all stuffed up, I long for it.

That's how I feel now. I can't remember what it was like to breathe normally. I long for a normal piece of life. I took for granted the days when the world was all as it should be, when I could breathe. And now it's very difficult for me to remember those days. But I want them back. I want them to come back for me, and for my family. I want the sun to shine down on us, and for us all to breathe normally again.

Grief is complex. Some days it can be okay, and other days it can be consuming. Every day there is something - a song, a picture, a book, a story - something that reminds me of my Dad, of the loss, of the pain that doesn't quite go away. Grief is unforgiving - it can show up in the library or church or driving down the street. It is also irritating, showing up in places that I don't want it to, like in meeting someone new or in talking with a neighbor. Grief can also be invisible, because so many people don't know what to say or how to say it or if they should bring it up, and so they remain silent and it becomes the awkward, proverbial elephant in the room. Grief ebbs and flows, some days I think that I'm breathing just fine, and other days I'm gasping for air, feeling like I'll never breathe normally again.

I'm no wiser now than before my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, or even before he died. I'm just different, I'm changed. I look at things differently. I think about things differently. Some days I struggle. Some days are better than others. Maybe it will always be this way. I know that the majority of people will not lose a parent at my age, because the vast majority of people will live longer than my Dad did. My experience is fairly common, but in some ways not common at all. But if I could pass along something, if I could say one thing, one little piece of advice for those of you reading who haven't lost someone, it would be this: Embrace the relationship you have now with your loved ones. Don't get caught up in silly things that irritate you, or petty arguments, or selfish visions of who that person should be. The relationship is not all about you - pleasing you, making you happy, doing what is comfortable for you. I believe God blesses us with earthly relationships to encourage us, inspire us, challenge us, love us, and ultimately, to reflect Christ's love. How often do we reflect Christ's love in our relationships? Everyone of us will stumble, we aren't perfect, so forgive. Overlook the faults, love deeply, enjoy the time together. Because I guarantee, if you suddenly (or even not so suddenly) lost that person, none of the silly little things that seem to matter now would matter at all. Even a little. You would go over conversations in your head, wishing you had said something different or acted more selflessly or not been so caught up in your own life that you missed out on that wonderful person right in front of you.

2007 has been a tough year. I pray that God would bless our family in 2008 and that we would love each other selflessly, reflect Christ more, and show our love. Not that we haven't done these things, but I think we could all use more of it, and I am acutely aware of this after having experienced such a loss. I pray that 2008 is VERY different than 2007, in almost every way. A tough, tough year in many aspects.

But God knows. He understands. I was reading in Job, where he says "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again." Job knew that feeling, that feeling of not being able to breathe normally again. And if you've read Job, you know that God defintely had more in store for Job than he knew. I cling to this promise, too.

I've found myself lately wishing that there had been more time. More time to spend with my Dad, talk with him, listen to him, laugh with him. Hear his stories, even if I'd already heard them 20 times before. Hear his famous jokes that I've heard all my life, just to laugh at them again. And mostly, wishing that I could just hear from him again, wishing I would have asked him to write down some thoughts before it was too late. And then, as I was scrapbooking tonight, I was going back in my blog to get some journaling, and I came across the first entry when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. And I clicked on the comments, and found this:

As I sit here and read over your blog and the responses of so many wonderful friends I am overcome with emotion. Megan, you are and have been a wonderful daughter that I cherish and thank God that you are in the battle with me. I thank all of your friends who are out there praying for us and look forward to personally thanking them when this battle is over. Thanks so much for this past week, you have been an inspiration. I love you, Dad

As I read these words, I couldn't help but thank God for reminding me of them. It was exactly what I needed to hear. And I couldn't help but think that Dad will still get his chance to personally thank all of you. Quite a while from now in terms of earthly time, but probably the blink of an eye for him. Yes, his battle is over. And now he is my inspiration.

Merry Christmas

Here is a slide show with pictures from our Christmas. We had a wonderful day! There were so many pictures, I thought I'd try out a different way to post them. Tell me if you like it better, or prefer the pictures posted like I usually do.

Note: You can click on the pictures for a brief description of each picture. Don't follow the instructions at the end about entering your email address for updates - I don't know if I will be using it again or not!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

Here's what we've been up to the past few days. We'll start with Ansley.

We baked (more) cookies - this time sugar - to decorate and leave for Santa. Ansley is very into the baking this year, which is fun. Here are Ansley and Mimi enjoying some time together:

Ansley still enjoying some decorating:

Ansley has mastered a new skill that she is finding quite entertaining. Can you guess what it is?

I gave Ansley my huge stash of cookie cutters, and asked her to pick out the Christmas ones. So we have Christmas trees, bells, candy canes, stars, Santa, a sleigh - she did a great job picking out just the Christmas ones. But I love that she picked out this heart shaped cookie cutter as a Christmas one. Makes me smile. And, really, I think a heart represents Christmas best of all.

Now, onto Christian. He got his first haircut, which makes him look like such a big boy (it was getting quite shaggy):

He is also enjoying quite a few of the previously mentioned Christmas cookies, courtesy of Mimi:

He enjoyed his first sippy cup of milk, which he (of course!) was quite fond of. Good to know he likes it, though, as weaning is quickly approaching (sniff).

And, finally, enjoying some time with JonJon, which Ansley ALWAYS enjoys as well!

There is MUCH excitement around here. Ansley told me this morning she was "so excited she could hardly stand it!" Makes me smile. The anticipation, the excitment, the traditions, the fun, the love....I remember it all, and I pray Ansley and Christian will have the same wonderful memories of their childhoods that I do.

Merry, merry Christmas Eve!

all is calm, all is bright

My family is here for Christmas. It's good, the being together. It's sad, the Dad not here part. But we are enjoying the family togetherness, talking and laughing and remembering.

Merry Christmas.

things, in no particular order

I took Ansley and Christian to the nurse practitioner today at John's work (a very handy thing!) because Ansley's cold seems to be dragging on, and Christian is just soooo grumpy. Ansley has an ear infection and Christian has a double ear infection. So now there's antibiotics for everyone and we will all be happier (and less grumpy) for Christmas.

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I bought Pomegranate 7UP at the grocery store the other day. YUM. You must buy some, too.

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Yesterday I got a quote from a house cleaning service to clean our house for the holidays. One less thing on my list. The lady comes by, walks through our house, and then gives me the price. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? She wanted $541 to clean our house. Once. With no added bonus, like a $450 credit for future cleanings. That wasn't a typo either...five hundred and forty one dollars. That's a house payment! A car payment! After I finished laughing, I thanked her for her time and sent her on her way. Then I called my neighbor, asked who she used, and they are coming tomorrow. For $90. The whole house.

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Ansley has been asking lots of questions lately. And I get the feeling that she probably thinks about more than she asks. It's tough. I don't have all the answers. Sometimes her questions upset me. But they always make me think, and I'm glad she is thinking, too. Questions like Can God get cancer? Why did PopPop get cancer? Can I get cancer? Who is with PopPop? She doesn't want him to be lonely in heaven. Are there baba's in heaven? Will she recognize PopPop when she gets to heaven? She doesn't want to die, she says. Why did they put nails in Jesus? Are there mean people in heaven? Is Jesus alive? Is PopPop alive in heaven? Do you wear clothes in heaven? Can Jesus and PopPop talk to each other? And on and on....she is really thinking, that four year old mind trying hard to comprehend all that has happened. While my 32 year old mind tries hard to comprehend as well, and communicate in a way that comforts her.

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Eleven Months

On Saturday, Christian turned 11 months. Wow! One short month away from being a wobbly toddler who is done with nursing and baby things. One more step towards becoming a little boy instead of a baby. And how I love his babyness! Perhaps because I'm savoring it more the second time around, or because he's just so cuddly and Mama-attached. Whatever the reason, he is pure joy.

Well, except today.

I waited for 11 month pictures, because you really wouldn't have wanted to see him on Saturday. Today, he's a little better (with a little help from my good friend, Photoshop). But he does not want to be put down. This would have been a great picture, except for the crying and all.

But mostly, he is still one happy little boy. Content to play with toys, crawl around and explore, or in my arms. I love the little glimpses we get of his personality - the other day he was grabbing an ornmament off the tree, and John gave him a firm "no!" and he started crying. Or if Ansley grabs a toy from him, he cries. Or if I disappear around a corner, he cries. You think I'm exaggerating? Come stay with us. You'll see. He is ALL about Mama, but he is definitely warming up to his Daddy. In the morning when he wakes up, he looks at me, then looks at his door and says "Dada?" Or when he's looking for me, he'll shout "Mama!" and know exactly who he is talking about. He says "Ta! Ta!" when he sees Kota, but I haven't noticed a specific name for Ansley yet, which is interesting to me. I figured that would be his first word. He also knows "ball" and rolls a ball back and forth quite well.

He is starting to stand on his own, without holding on to anything, for quite some time, but he doesn't really know what to do from there, so he falls down. He signs "more" consistently for food and drink.

Things that haven't changed: great sleeper, excellent napper, voracious eater. The only thing to date that he hasn't been crazy about is Mexican rice at our local Mexican restaurant. He made a face that looked like we just gave him a lemon, but yet he kept eating it. He has had more sweets in his 11 months than Ansley had in two years. Seriously. He gets a little demanding over sweets.

He has definitely proven me wrong on all my fears about boys. And, yes, even though I cried when I first found out he was a boy, every day of his life I've been so enormously thankful for him, my wonderful little boy that I was scared to have. Silly Mommy.

Sweet. Loving. Happy. Cuddly. Cute. Friendly. Sensitive. Loved.

weekend

We have two sick kids here. I know, I don't need to say it, but it's no fun. Ansley got it first and then Christian got it from her, which gives him his first official non teething related sickness. And he is pitiful. Cries when I'm not holding him, struggles to nurse because he can't breathe, and is quite fussy, but still sleeps like usual, so I can't complain much. I just hate when my babies are sick.

On Friday, though, we did get a babysitter to come over for the day while John and I got LOTS of Christmas shopping done. It was a fun day! And the babysitter is a 60 year old lady my neighbor recommended who brings games and prizes and plays with the kids all day. Ansley loved her, and received two prizes while she was here. I am so happy to find someone who actually plays with the kids. The last time we had a sitter for the kids (a teenager) I asked Ansley later what they did, and she responded "Well, we would have played except she was on the computer the whole time." I didn't like that answer much, and we won't be using her again!

So since they were sick and we couldn't do much in terms of going anywhere, we decided to put on some weight. I mean, do some Christmas baking. I'm amazed at how helpful Ansley is this year. No, I'm being serious. Stop laughing. She really has had great progress in the area of cooking over the last year, and I'm quite impressed. She can measure and pour without spilling all over the counter and floor, which that in and of itself is huge.

So, first up, our gingerbread train. Ansley did this mostly by herself, in case you were wondering. And, no, in case you were wondering again, it didn't hold together and fell apart pretty soon after this shot was taken but still, I thought she did a good job:

Next up: Hershey Kiss cookies. These are some of my favorites, and Ansley rolled all of them into balls and plopped the Hershey Kiss in the center. And then ate one and said "Actually, these are really good." I guess she was expecting something different? But they were good. I mean are, yes, are good. Of course we haven't eaten them all yet.

And the big hit, Reindeer Cookies. Ansley had such a blast with these, smiling and laughing the whole time she was putting them together, which she did quite well. No, we didn't run out of red M&M's, Ansley just said that one of them wanted to be different (note the lone green-nosed reindeer at the top). There's a life lesson in there somewhere, I'm sure.

And finally, today I packed up the kids, and headed to the mall to visit Santa. It turned out just like I thought it would, but still a fun memory, and always fun to see how it changes each year. Ansley's pictures with Santa looked just like this for her first 2 years. Christian was intrigued by Santa's beard (and when I say intrigued I mean yanked) which Santa probably didn't appreciate because it was real. But he was intrigued for about .2 seconds and then suddenly realized Mommy was gone!

And that's our weekend in review. We are looking forward to my family coming for Christmas this Saturday as we prepare for celebrating Jesus' birth. It is bittersweet - exciting and wonderful to experience Christmas through Ansley and Christian's eyes - yet still a bit in shock at how life can take such different turns in the blink of an eye. It's painfully ironic that last year was our first in over ten years to celebrate Christmas as a family - Mom and Dad, Jonathan and Missy, and us - and sadly, it was our last. But who could have known?

Wishing you a very merry last-week-before-Christmas!

peace

These are the votives that Ansley made. She loves making them so much that it's like Santa's Workshop around here, mass producing candle votives at a frantic 4-year-old pace. But they do look pretty, don't they? The first one is my favorite, because all on her own she chose to use the same paper for the entire votive. She wants to light them every night, and turn out all the lights, and so we do, enjoying the peace of this holy season.

ETA: Ok, sorry! I got your emails and comments, so here you go: All it takes is some plain votives, Christmas themed tissue paper, and glue mixed with water. (All our supplies are from Wal-Mart.) Cut the tissue paper in strips, then in smaller sections just long enough to fit on your votive (you can trim excess from the top later). Have the child paint on the glue/water mixture on the votive, then start sticking the tissue paper. Go over it again with the glue mixture once the tissue paper is on, coating it completely (I have also used Mod Podge for this step). Place a tea light in it. Done!

it's the most wonderful time of the year

They look like they agree, don't they?

This is the first time that I can recall that they both were crying at the same time. Ansley really rarely cries anymore, and if she does she's either a) tired or b)hurt. In this case, she had just hit her knee on the table, and I did comfort her, but she wanted to keep crying. Christian was crying because I was more than two feet away from him. So what's a Mama to do? Take more pictures, of course.

It's hard to be four, ya know. Christian thinks it's pretty tough being almost one too.

Don't worry. Things improved once our neighbors delivered some snowmen donuts. How could you not be happy then?

And then Ansley had her art class, which she loves. It's at a new place here called Sprout Studio, which is a big play area for kids. So while she is in her class, Christian and I get some one on one playtime, and then after her class she gets 45 minutes of free play. It's a really cute place - they have a supermarket, veterinary clinic, water area, camping area, tree house and more. They have a great toddler area, which Christian really enjoys. Anyway, very fun. Today Ansley made two ornaments, which I thought turned out really cute.

Ornament Number One:

And Ornament Number Two:

So you see, our day got better. And involved less crying. And more napping. And happiness for everyone!

What did you do today?

long overdue

This is going to be a long one. I know I'm long overdue for an update. So this will be one long, random post about all sorts of things. Sit back, grab a drink, and a Christmas cookie. Here we go.

We are fully decorated for Christmas, and have been for awhile now (I've just been a slacker and haven't posted any pictures). We have a tree in our family room and one in the basement, just off the kitchen. The kids love both of them. This is the one in our family room. The one in the basement has all our memory ornaments, and they are so fun to look at. Ansley really enjoys them too.

Ansley is at such a magical, wondrous age. Everything about Christmas is so exciting to her, and I feel so blessed to be able to view things through her eyes. I love it! Our stockings are hung, and Ansley can not wait for them to be filled.

Christian is very into all the decorations - he mostly enjoys eating them, but still, he loves them just the same. He really enjoys re-decorating the tree for me. I guess something just doesn't look right to him.

Ansley helped me make some yummy treats. We made these last year, and they were a big hit. Super easy, and delicious, and the best part is Ansley can do everything except take them from the oven. A BIG hit in our house!

The weather was getting pretty chilly here, so we decided that the kids needed new hats and gloves. Here's Christian modeling his new hat, which I find seriously adorable. But now, sadly, it isn't even needed! Where's cold Christmas weather?? Bring it back!

By FAR, Ansley's favorite activity this season is playing with the nativity set. She even got her own set last year from Mimi and PopPop, but she still enjoys playing with ours as well. This literally keeps her entertained for hours. It makes me smile.

My big boy. He wears big boy pj's now. It's amazing how this simple little change can really make him look so different. His footsie/snap up pj's were all getting too small (plus I was aggravated with all the snaps and a squirming boy) so we just decided to do the big boy pj's. I think he looks so cute. And this picture makes me laugh, because of the background. Christian, unaware that he is about to be attacked.

We got a new washer and dryer. Did I hear an Amen? I thought I did. Our old ones were 13 years old, and not quite as good as they used to be. I love them, and Ansley really does, too. This is her chair set up in front of it, because she loves to watch it washing her clothes. Funny huh?

Christian makes a new fish face. It cracks us up. He likes to imitate a lot, and he is into everything. Crawling, standing, cruising, happy. A sweet boy indeed.

I ran in the grocery store for a few items over the weekend, while John and the kids were in the car. They entertained themselves with my camera while I was in the store, but I thought this shot of Ansley turned out really cute.

Ansley started an art class last week, which she is enjoying. She made these adorable little candles in her class last week, but sadly, they .....um, are not available to take pictures of. She had a great time though.

We have been on a quest for a good church home since we have been in Knoxville. Unfortunately I cannot say that we have been on a diligent quest, as so many things have distracted us from it. But recently, I would say for me it was when my Dad died, and I saw my parents church that they hadn't even attended for very long, rise to the occasion and bring meals, call, stop by - things that a church should do. And then John and I returned home to .... nothing. No calls, no one stopping by, no one outside of our next door neighbors even knew my Dad had died. I'm not saying that so you will feel sorry for me, because it's my own fault, I (we) have not invested in a church family that truly serves during times like these. So all that to say after all this time, we have finally found a church that we are loving. We have only been there 3 Sundays, and it is honestly the friendliest church we have ever been to. Every Sunday someone new introduces themselves, or a Mom comes and swaps numbers with me. It is a church full of passion for worshipping the Lord, and we are so grateful that God has given us a wake up call to find a body of believers that we can turn to for support, love and encouragement.

My heart breaks for Marisa's family. I pray that they will seek with all their hearts the One who desires to comfort them.

Finally, I will end with a photo shoot I did for a friend. A friend of mine asked if I would be willing to take some photos of a friend's baby as a Christmas present. She is a young single mom, working hard to make ends meet, and in her son's 10 months, he has never had professional photos taken because she can't afford them. Now I'm hardly a professional, but I was willing to help out as best I could. I thought they turned out pretty cute. Here are my two favorites of baby Trey.

Are you still there? This is why I should blog more often, so my posts don't get like this! I hope you enjoyed our long update!