Cleaning House

I have a confession. By the time I got married at the age of 21, I had never cooked an entire meal myself. I had never done my own laundry. I had never cleaned a bathroom.

But probably the worst part is this: I had no desire to.

It wasn't that I was lazy (necessarily), it was just that there were better things to do.

I suppose I learned, along the way. And then we had a baby, and another and another. And somewhere in this chaos-filled craziness of life stage, I realized that I have a strong desire to have a neat home. To have things in order, and be able to find something when I need it. But I'm also learning that I'm a lot like my Mom, and sometimes (okay, all the time) it's easier just to do it myself. We all love our children, and some of us (I'm talking to myself), out of our desire to love, enable our children. My Mom did it. I have a great tendency to do it, and it's for good reasons. But it's not helping them.

That's why this book, Cleaning House by Kay Wills Wyma, caught my attention.

I didn't get this book for free, and I'm not being asked to review it, I just feel compelled to do so.

This book has really opened my eyes to the enabling I am doing, and how it is not helping my children. Some days I'm so overwhelmed by the constant messes, laundry, dishes, meals to fix, and yet I feel guilty when my oldest asks me to get her some milk while I am in the middle of fixing three lunches, and I ask her to get it (and her siblings while she's at it).

I think I am overwhelmed because I'm not utilizing my children and opening them up to their potential. No one wants unmotivated, lazy kids. We don't want to be the parents announcing to our friends that our kid is living with us, and oh yeah he/she just turned 27. (That's what I'm learning is one of the drawbacks to enabling our children.)

In this book, the author is aghast as she and her 14 year old son drive down the road, her son pointing out different Porsches, wondering which one he will look best in. She believes her kids have a "you're here to serve me" attitude instead of instilling in them a work ethic, a what can I do to help you, and service oriented actions towards other people. So she comes up with a list of tasks that she believes all her children must know how to do before they leave her home. (Her oldest child is the 14 year old, the youngest is 4 but she has 5 kids total). Every month she introduces them to a new task. She starts off easy - month 1 is making your bed and cleaning up clutter in your room. But then she moves on to doing your own laundry, cleaning a toilet bowl and disinfecting bathrooms. Her commentary and how her kids react is downright hilarious at times, and convicting at others. Sometimes she's just appalled at what her kids don't know how to do, but I know that my kids would be the same way.

In fact, when it was time for my kids to go somewhere (co-op, dance, karate), I used to gather up all their stuff for them, put it in their bag, and hand it to them as they walked out the door. I know. It's embarassing to even type that, but I do things for my kids because I love them. I do. But I'm now convinced that my kids will still know that I love them in the countless other ways I express it, and they can know it while getting their own items together for dance or karate. They can know it while keeping their rooms clean and unloading the dishwasher.

This is from the laundry chapter:

"It's pretty easy to protect and provide for our kids. You keep them physically safe, give them an abundance of fun things to do, and they grow on up easily. That's the American way. The better way is to prepare kids for independence, but that is a much harder task. As they develop, we should slowly reduce the protection and provision, while increasing the preparation."

And this one, from the toilet cleaning chapter:

"Last week when I introduced Barton to a toilet brush, I was met with an indignant, "Ewww. That's gross! Why would anyone have to clean a toilet!" I am amazed once again that my kids have lived this long without giving thought to the workings of the world around them. Not in the grand sense, but in practical daily living. Has it never dawned on them that the toilet is cleaned? Have they never considered that a toilet gets dirty? That their sheets are washed and why that's necessary? I can only attribute their cluelessness to the fact that I have been opting for the easy way out, doing it myself. Yet again, this leaves me baffled. Why have I been so adamant about encouraging independence for the kids in so many areas, but not in and around the house?"

Umm, ouch.

She states several times that things would have been much easier if she had introduced this kind of stuff to her kids when they were younger. Now, at the teenage and tween stage, she gets a lot of backtalk and heat for trying to help her children. So that motivates me to start now! Although I may have to save the toilet cleaning for a few years.

I haven't even finished this book yet, but I love it. I only have a few more chapters, but I'm already planning on how I can put it to use. We did implement chores with our kids this year, but I will admit that I'm pretty bad about just doing them if they aren't done. I pick up clothes dropped where they were taken off, throw shoes out in the garage that were left in the kitchen, gather up papers and books. But this book has motivated me to stop all that and have my kids start stepping up.

So that's where we are these days, putting this stepping up plan into action.

I'm not the only mom with enabling issues, am I?

Comments

[Brandi Magee]

Oh I could have written this! And not because I don't want to teach them, but sometimes it's just exhausting with the constant reminders to pick up, put away, and clean. We also have chores, but haven't found a great system for implementing them. I feel like such a nagging mom when I'm constantly riding them to do their jobs. I wish I could find a way that they would be self-motivated...past the first day or two, anyway. Gotta get that book!

[Suzy]

The rewards will come later for all your hard work. It's our jobs to work ourselves out of one ;) Kid's take pride in being able to help and do. I'm very interested in this book. Thanks for the great and honest review!

[Megan]

Thanks, Suzy! Glad it was helpful. :)

[Megan]

Thank you, Brandi! I'm glad I'm not the only one here. :) It is a constant struggle, I agree. She has some fun motivator ideas that I may try and implement - of course consistency is the key, which is something I struggle with!