Me Myself and Why

That clever little title just popped in my head, even though it really has nothing to do with this post. So you either get a clever title but nothing in the post, or a boring title with a little more something in the post. That's the way I work.

Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Except it's not really a crisis, and just the word mid-life makes me have a heart attack because I think I can't possibly be mid-life while I still feel so young!

Right?

But lately I've just been all overwhelmed with life. Do you ever get that way? And not necessarily in a bad way, just like I'm becoming more aware as I get older of the fleetingness (I'll make it a word) of life, and how quickly everything is going. Yesterday we were newlyweds, today we're a couple with young kids, and then tomorrow we'll be empty nesters. Perhaps that's a little dramatic, but that's how my mind is working these days.

I'm on Prednisone.

I just felt like I should throw that out there.

And I have so many things I want to do with my kids, ya know? I want to make sure we play, and that there are fun crafts for them to engage their artistic sides, and of course memorize Scripture. And we need to make time for friends, and have parties and sleepovers, but also family nights, and I want to make sure they learn to love their neighbor. We need to bake together and read more books and we need to show them how to love Jesus with their whole hearts. And really none of the other things matter if they don't learn that. To be Jesus to a world who needs him so badly. Jewel used to sing one of my favorite songs that said "In the end, only kindness matters." I loved that song. But it's not true, it's not kindness that matters, it's teaching them, showing them, pointing them to Jesus, over and over and over and every day. And then again. And even when you're tired, then, too.

(I read this after I posted it and had to correct the bad verb tense. I'm sure Jewel still sings this song, so I shouldn't have said she used to sing it, I should have said it used to be my favorite song.)

And then pointing yourself in the same direction.

It all gets conflicted in my head.

I love baking and when my kids grow up I want them to bite into a chocolate chip cookie and instantly remember the day that we baked all afternoon and spilled flour everywhere and Mom laughed. (This hasn't actually happened, because who laughs at spilled flour? Crazy people, that's who. But I'm just saying these are the memories I want for my kids.) Hooowever, we need to be balanced and eat healthy and from our garden and cut out sweets and for the love of my soul, stop baking so many chocolate chip cookies.

How do we balance it all? I want to cultivate great friendships, for me and John and for my kids, and we can only do that by having people over, getting together on a regular basis, having fellowship. But I also want to reach out to the lonely and lost. It's good, it's so good, to make meals for those who have new babies and bless a friend with cookies, but I want to show my kids that we need to love others, too, not just the people who are just like us. Sometimes life is consumed with the people that are just like us, though, that it doesn't leave room for the people who are nothing like us.

Education. It is important, and I want my kids to love to learn, and read a lot, and be intelligent children who grow up to be intelligent adults. But education isn't everything. And it pales in comparison to teaching my kids what really matters in this life.

I want to reach out to the lost and lonely and hurting ..... but what does this look like in my life, that is so far removed from the lost and lonely? How do I become Jesus' hands and feet in the middle of my comfortable life, filled with baking and art projects and people like me?

I constantly have all these ideas and desires bouncing around in my head, and I'm just not sure what direction to move. I want so much for my kids before they are gone and out of my realm of influence and sometimes that can overwhelm me. And by sometimes I mean every day of my life.

How do we keep the focus on what's important, and let all the silly little things that don't matter slide away? What am I doing now that five years from now I'll think "why did I waste my time on that?"

You know how you read some blogs that pose all these tough questions and then answer them so beautifully at the end? Yeah, this isn't one of those blogs.

I don't have the answers. I'm looking to you, dear blog readers. I know two of you are out there.

I know, it's like a huge bottle of Prednisone threw up, and this is what came out.

On that note, I guess I'll leave you with that lovely imagery.

And if anyone has any insight or wisdom, I'd love to hear it!

 

Comments

[Suzy]

Yup, this could have been me writing this post! I feel the same way. So much to do & so little time to do it all. My oldest is already ten and a half waaaaaaaaaa! My youngest turned 1 last week! I guess the most we can do is just soak up every little bit and hope for grand babies someday...except I won't ever get old enough to be a grandma. I'M sure of it!!!

[Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace]

I'll be #2 reading the post ;) And call me crazy, but I laugh really hard at spilled flour. Now I know you really feel about me... sheesh! But seriously, this totally resonates with where I am right now minus the two extra kids. Yet I still feel the same way. Oh friend, how I "get it." How I so totally get it. One thing I'm learning in this current season, which is hands down the hardest I've ever walked through? One day at a time. We're not promised tomorrow or the next - for us or for our kids. What does the Lord have today? Because honestly, for me right now, if I look much further, I end up in a puddle of sobbing mess, and I can't bake worth a flip to drown away my sorrows. So maybe your answer isn't how can I do all this to make the future what it needs to be as much as what can I do today, right now, in this moment? Because really we only have grace but for this moment - His grace is never early and never late. I mean...I dunno. Maybe? I guess the rest is chalked up to faith and trust that we did what we could in this moment, and we trust Him to guide us the rest of the way home.

[Amy Clark Scheren]

Whew! I know the feeling....and I really am middle-age (ouch!). In a way, I think this is the how I feel on the "good days". It's the way I feel when I care. It's so easy to get caught up in my own little world of Facebook and cleaning house and forget to care about all those things that are so weighty and important.

My own complacency troubles me, but so does the perfection I see everywhere. With the Internet, we get to see how perfect everyone is. We get to see all the things that everyone else does to raise their perfect kids and just how much we fall short. It's a lot of pressure, really. And we forget that their kids throw tantrums, and they burn the cookies, and they yell at their kids for being careless and spilling flour on the floor. They just forget to post pictures of those moments.

When the harsh reality of who I wish I was as a mom and who I really am begin to overwhelm me, I try to remember GRACE (after I'm done locking myself in my bedroom and crying my eyes out). My children's futures aren't in my hands. I could do everything right, and they could still be screwed up. Or I could do everything wrong, and they could become missionaries somewhere. Some days I have to remind myself that if my and my husband's parents didn't completely ruin US, then there's hope (because I know for a fact that our parents are far from perfect). I am a product of my parents, but I'm more a product of God's amazing, relentless grace.

So in those moments when it all seems like too much and I'm sure I've doomed us all to a life of failure....I pray that God will cover all of my mistakes and shortcomings. I pray that He will erase my unkind words from their memories. I pray that He can use my feeble efforts (and even my lack of effort) to bring about HIS will in my kids' lives. Because you're right, that's all that really matters.

[Mark Jansen]

First of all, thank you for your honesty and speaking what all of us (well, those of us that actually take the time to ponder these things and want to "do right" by our kids and our Savior) are thinking. Secondly, a great thing to remember is that it is not our job as parents or spouses or children of God to do everything right now, as soon as possible. The point is to leave enough margin in our lives and schedules to be available to handle the bumps and changes but also have the margin to handle the "we have to do this now" moments. And pointing our kids to Jesus can be as simple as just making sure that something spiritual, something Jesus, something scripture, something "biblical life lesson" is discussed, pointed out and/or talked about each day. It doesn't have to be a family bible study though there are times for that. This is a race, as Paul put it and it's not a sprint. Each day, every day seeking His will and pointing our kids to him. Thirdly (or maybe tenthly ;), you guys do a great job. We all need more date nights, family time, breaks away and the like, but your kids and you and John are blessed and blessed to have each other. Be intentional and leave margin and seek Him daily and He (as Amy said) will bring about His will. As long as we are available and willing.

[Tonya]

Oh man! Was that you, sitting next to me, listening to Jen Hatmaker this weekend and feeling like a loser? Too many things to even recount... She did say not to make too much of your failures or too much of your "successes". Either camp is a bad place to be. God is doing what he will, and all of those feelings will be used for your good and his glory. In the meantime, know that you are clearly not in this boat alone!

[Megan]

Suzy - haha! I agree - we will never be old enough to be Grandmas! :)

Leigh Ann - Whew, I knew there was a second reader out there somewhere! I also knew there were probably crazy flour-laughers out there, I just didn't know I knew one personally. ;) I LOVE your response - so good, so timely, so needed. Just going ahead one day at a time - great advice, my friend!

Amy - I so agree, it is a lot of pressure, probably most of it silly pressure too. Excellent words - such an encouragement to me! Grace covers so much, doesn't it? Thank you for that reminder!

Mark - Whoa, it always scares me a little when I see you've commented on something because since it doesn't happen often, I know it must be big stuff. Thank you for the encouragement that we are doing some things well, and that we don't have to do the "big" things to point our kids to Jesus.

Ya'll are awesome! I've really been so encouraged by your responses. Thanks so much!

[Amber]

Hey, Megan. I could relate to just about everything in this post - as I'm sure most moms could. It's so hard for us because we want to "do it right." But, what's the definition of "right?" Who determines what's right and what's wrong? I think about what I tell Birdie-girl all.of.the.time...It's not about doing it "right." It's about doing your best. So why is that so hard for us as moms - just to do our best? For me, when I shift my goals from doing them "right" to simply doing my best - it's so much easier. I feel freer to do what I'm good at, to encourage my kids at what they are good at. Your best isn't my best, and my best isn't your best. But when we do our best(s), we give our kiddos just what they need.