I've been thinking a lot about seasons lately. Wouldn't it be awful if there were just one season all year long? I think of how excited I get at the start of each new season and all the joys that season holds. For instance, now I’m so excited for summer and swimming and lazy, unscheduled days, a break from school and fun camps, but by the end of summer (or possibly mid-summer), I will be so ready for fall and boots and fires and all things pumpkin. It's funny how that works. The changing of actual seasons makes me think of the seasons of my parenting journey so far.
I feel like it was just yesterday that it was spring, when new life surrounded me and my days were consumed with newborns and toddlers.
(baby Ansley)
The days seemed so long and the needs seemed so many. I often felt completely overwhelmed in spring - inadequate and filled with so many unanswered questions, yet there were certainly joys – seeing my babies walk for the first time, hearing their first words, experiencing their first birthday ….lots of firsts.
(baby Christian)
I had very few girlfriends back then. I often wondered what the seasons would be like when my kids were older. I remember very clearly being so excited for Ansley to turn three so she could finally get all those fun toys with small parts that said "3+." But spring was filled with uncertainty and isolation. Spring wasn’t an easy season, and I often wondered if I was capable enough to make it through spring.
(Ansley, always my bug lover, and baby Christian, clearly not impressed)
But then, seemingly without notice, summer emerged, and two of my kids became a little older before my eyes, and there was another newborn.
(Ansley, 7; Christian, 4; baby Avery)
These summer days weren't as consuming as those in spring, because I'd done it twice before, yet these long summer days were full of uncertainty in my schooling choices (as I started homeschooling my oldest for kindergarten), dealing with a difficult baby, keeping a toddler occupied, and trying to balance three. Three was a hard adjustment for me, and it was a summer full of being a bit afraid to go anywhere for fear of the baby meltdown, and questioning my abilities as a mom. Summer was full of the joys of adjusting to our growing family, with many firsts and milestones, and yet it was also a season of doubt and being at home a lot. Summer was good, don’t get me wrong, but I struggled to find my way.
(ummm, yeah, exactly)
Just when I got used to those long, hot summer days, without anyone even asking me, they ended and fall appeared. And with the cool wind came kids that were, well, older. There were no more babies or toddlers. There were no more diapers or naptimes. There were no more meltdowns or....well, maybe still some of that. But there was a newfound confidence in fall that wasn't there in spring or summer. I felt a groove in our home learning that I hadn't felt before. I felt a deep satisfaction in being with my kids, and pouring into them. There was a love of learning together that was hard to appreciate when there were constant demands on my time, attention, and body parts. (I'm referring to nursing in case anyone is confused.) And, perhaps best of all, there became a routine to my days that allowed time to accomplish SO MUCH. I could teach the kids, we could spend time reading books together, drawing, laughing; but I could also get workouts in and bake lots of things and have deep, fun conversations with these growing people. We can dive into school and have fun learning together and exploring various subjects. We can attend art classes together and go on nature hikes and get together with friends and be a part of a beautiful classical learning community that we adore. I am surrounded by wonderful friends. I feel like I have found my sweet spot, where I no longer wonder if I’m capable of surviving fall, and it brings me great joy. I know that I will, and not just survive but thrive; and I know without a doubt that fall is a sweet, sweet season for me, and I’m right where I’m supposed to be. These are beautiful days, yet every so often I feel a pang of sadness at the springs and summers that won't come again. Is this always the Mama way? We remember with fondness the seasons that are no longer, even though it doesn't do us any good: Fall is here. And fall is here to stay.
Until it becomes winter. I don't know what winter holds, because I'm not there yet. That will be the season when my kids are actually older. I know I just think they are older now, much like I thought Ansley was practically grown when she turned seven. My oldest is only 11. That seems so old to me, because little ones are all I've known. But one day I'll have a houseful of teenagers and a tween trying to keep up with her siblings, and I'll know that winter has arrived. I will probably be sad that so many seasons have passed through my home and so much life has been lived that won't come again. But I like to think that much like the passing of actual seasons, there is always an element of excitement in the season coming next. What will it bring? What will it look like? Time will tell.
I adore fall. It’s my favorite season so far. So I embrace each changing season and the joys and challenges that come with it. There is always something new and exciting with each change, something unexpected and delightful. There is also growth and maturity, both in me and in my children.
Mamas of little ones, I won’t tell you that “it goes so fast” or “savor every moment” because, really, time passes by and you live life, and you don’t really realize that the toddler has become the little girl who has become the tween until one day you look up and think "whoa, how did this all go so fast?". And savoring every moment is hard, because, let’s be honest, not every moment is worth savoring, right? The poop blowouts and terrible two’s and tantrums….I’ll not savor those, thank you. But what I will tell you is this: don’t fret about the season you are in. Don’t waste time in worry, obsessing over every little thing, or thinking how sad it will be when they grow, or questioning if you are doing enough or being enough. Each season has such beauty and wonder, and every season brings joy. You are right where you need to be, being the Mama that your kids need. Are you enough? Yes. Will you mess up? Of course. But relax in the season you are in! If it’s a beautiful season, enjoy it. If it’s a difficult season, know it will pass. I’ll be waiting for you here, in my fall season, with the knowledge that spring and summer are behind me, and there’s no need to be sad nor fret about the winter to come. There is such joy in today! These days won't come again. This is the season I have! It's the one you have. And it’s such a beautiful one.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...." Ecclesiastes 3:1