Lifesong

Seasons

I've been thinking a lot about seasons lately. Wouldn't it be awful if there were just one season all year long? I think of how excited I get at the start of each new season and all the joys that season holds. For instance, now I’m so excited for summer and swimming and lazy, unscheduled days, a break from school and fun camps, but by the end of summer (or possibly mid-summer), I will be so ready for fall and boots and fires and all things pumpkin. It's funny how that works. The changing of actual seasons makes me think of the seasons of my parenting journey so far.

I feel like it was just yesterday that it was spring, when new life surrounded me and my days were consumed with newborns and toddlers.

(baby Ansley)

The days seemed so long and the needs seemed so many. I often felt completely overwhelmed in spring - inadequate and filled with so many unanswered questions, yet there were certainly joys – seeing my babies walk for the first time, hearing their first words, experiencing their first birthday ….lots of firsts.

(baby Christian)

I had very few girlfriends back then. I often wondered what the seasons would be like when my kids were older. I remember very clearly being so excited for Ansley to turn three so she could finally get all those fun toys with small parts that said "3+." But spring was filled with uncertainty and isolation. Spring wasn’t an easy season, and I often wondered if I was capable enough to make it through spring.

(Ansley, always my bug lover, and baby Christian, clearly not impressed)

But then, seemingly without notice, summer emerged, and two of my kids became a little older before my eyes, and there was another newborn.

(Ansley, 7; Christian, 4; baby Avery)

These summer days weren't as consuming as those in spring, because I'd done it twice before, yet these long summer days were full of uncertainty in my schooling choices (as I started homeschooling my oldest for kindergarten), dealing with a difficult baby, keeping a toddler occupied, and trying to balance three. Three was a hard adjustment for me, and it was a summer full of being a bit afraid to go anywhere for fear of the baby meltdown, and questioning my abilities as a mom. Summer was full of the joys of adjusting to our growing family, with many firsts and milestones, and yet it was also a season of doubt and being at home a lot. Summer was good, don’t get me wrong, but I struggled to find my way.

(ummm, yeah, exactly)

Just when I got used to those long, hot summer days, without anyone even asking me, they ended and fall appeared. And with the cool wind came kids that were, well, older. There were no more babies or toddlers. There were no more diapers or naptimes. There were no more meltdowns or....well, maybe still some of that. But there was a newfound confidence in fall that wasn't there in spring or summer. I felt a groove in our home learning that I hadn't felt before. I felt a deep satisfaction in being with my kids, and pouring into them. There was a love of learning together that was hard to appreciate when there were constant demands on my time, attention, and body parts. (I'm referring to nursing in case anyone is confused.) And, perhaps best of all, there became a routine to my days that allowed time to accomplish SO MUCH. I could teach the kids, we could spend time reading books together, drawing, laughing; but I could also get workouts in and bake lots of things and have deep, fun conversations with these growing people. We can dive into school and have fun learning together and exploring various subjects. We can attend art classes together and go on nature hikes and get together with friends and be a part of a beautiful classical learning community that we adore. I am surrounded by wonderful friends. I feel like I have found my sweet spot, where I no longer wonder if I’m capable of surviving fall, and it brings me great joy. I know that I will, and not just survive but thrive; and I know without a doubt that fall is a sweet, sweet season for me, and I’m right where I’m supposed to be. These are beautiful days, yet every so often I feel a pang of sadness at the springs and summers that won't come again. Is this always the Mama way? We remember with fondness the seasons that are no longer, even though it doesn't do us any good: Fall is here. And fall is here to stay.

Until it becomes winter. I don't know what winter holds, because I'm not there yet. That will be the season when my kids are actually older. I know I just think they are older now, much like I thought Ansley was practically grown when she turned seven. My oldest is only 11. That seems so old to me, because little ones are all I've known. But one day I'll have a houseful of teenagers and a tween trying to keep up with her siblings, and I'll know that winter has arrived. I will probably be sad that so many seasons have passed through my home and so much life has been lived that won't come again. But I like to think that much like the passing of actual seasons, there is always an element of excitement in the season coming next. What will it bring? What will it look like? Time will tell.

I adore fall. It’s my favorite season so far. So I embrace each changing season and the joys and challenges that come with it. There is always something new and exciting with each change, something unexpected and delightful. There is also growth and maturity, both in me and in my children.

Mamas of little ones, I won’t tell you that “it goes so fast” or “savor every moment” because, really, time passes by and you live life, and you don’t really realize that the toddler has become the little girl who has become the tween until one day you look up and think "whoa, how did this all go so fast?". And savoring every moment is hard, because, let’s be honest, not every moment is worth savoring, right? The poop blowouts and terrible two’s and tantrums….I’ll not savor those, thank you. But what I will tell you is this: don’t fret about the season you are in. Don’t waste time in worry, obsessing over every little thing, or thinking how sad it will be when they grow, or questioning if you are doing enough or being enough.  Each season has such beauty and wonder, and every season brings joy. You are right where you need to be, being the Mama that your kids need. Are you enough? Yes. Will you mess up? Of course. But relax in the season you are in! If it’s a beautiful season, enjoy it. If it’s a difficult season, know it will pass. I’ll be waiting for you here, in my fall season, with the knowledge that spring and summer are behind me, and there’s no need to be sad nor fret about the winter to come. There is such joy in today! These days won't come again. This is the season I have! It's the one you have. And it’s such a beautiful one.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Happy New Year!

We struggle with technology distractions around here. The kids are obsessed with iPad games, Wii fun and technology overload, much like I was with Atari when I was younger. Maybe much like we are now - constantly grabbing a phone or iPad to "look up something real quick." I struggle to find a balance between letting them have fun, but not overloading on technology every day. I struggle with that myself - balance between raising my kids and not letting my own technology time interfere with what's important.

I'm not much of a resolution maker, but for 2014, I want to be better at being in the moment. Not using technology as an easy way out. Laughing more. Yelling less. Walking away from time wasting technology. Showing my kids what it means to be a happy Mom, who loves the Lord and her family. Being present. Being silly. Playing games. Baking more cookies. Dancing in the kitchen. Celebrating the little things. Living this life.

There's plenty of time for cleaning and putting dishes away and getting laundry done. I'll still be doing that when I'm 55. But these little feet, and these sweet voices - they won't be little and needy when I'm 55. So in 2014 I'm hoping to make time for what really matters - the family that is so precious to me, and work on cutting out the things that don't matter much - the beeping of a phone, the glare of a computer screen, the need to feel connected all.the.time.

Happy New Year! Let's start dancing.

Firsts

Today we had several firsts that I wanted to make sure I captured, for the sake of memories. Even when Ansley says "Seriously??" when I grab my camera and looks suspiciously like a grown girl embarassed by her mother. But I know that can't be the case, because she's not grown, and I am never embarassing. I always tell them "One day you will appreciate the fact that I took so many photos!" because you know what? I am confident that one day, they will. But it's obviously not today.

Christian had his first test today! He did really well, mostly because we just really love his First Grade teacher. She is who we hoped he would get this year!

(I don't count off for backwards "S's" - it's a learning process.)

I'm trying really hard lately to get off my automatic setting on my camera and use the manual setting. So today I was playing around with the aperture and shutter speed, trying to figure it out, when I caught this photo by accident.

And I kinda love it. Even though her face is a little blurry and Ansley's arm is at the top and she refuses to wear clothes that match, I just love seeing her laugh with her siblings.

And this one.

Hilarious. She cracks me up, and those legs and that hair are some of my favorite things in the whole world. I'm really trying to savor, because when I look back at pictures of Ansley and Christian at this age, I CAN'T EVEN. So I gotta soak it up.

Ansley started dance back today. She was very excited, but it's a pretty long afternoon for her, so I wasn't sure how it was going to go. She is taking ballet and tap, but there is a 45 minute gap in between each class, so she just hangs out with some snacks and books and waits for her tap class. John picks her up, because her dance studio is near his work. She really loved it today, and can't wait to go back!

These three are so silly. Almost every night, Avery gets up in Ansley's bed, thinking she's going to sleep there (but we're not there yet). They were being so silly on this night so I had to snap some pictures.

Avery goes to bed much later (as the third) than the other two ever did, so she's usually pretty wiped out by the time she gets to bed.

Soaking up this last month of 9, 6 and 2 1/2.

(Because Ansley will be ten one month from today, in case you didn't catch that.)

 **All of these things actually happened yesterday, but I didn't get around to finishing this post, so there ya go.

What Three Has Taught Me

I've been thinking about this for awhile: how I've changed by becoming a Mama of three. So here are my thoughts, in no particular order, on what I've learned since having three. Stay tuned next year for what four has taught me. Oh, I kid. Just making sure you are paying attention. For clarification, there will not be four. I am old, and sometimes weary, but never crazy (unless a two year old is tantruming).

1. I ask for, and receive, far more patience than what I thought was possible for me. There are some people that told me "Once you have two, anything after that is, like, nothing. It's like adding an extra hermit crab - no more work than the other two!" Okay, so no one actually used the hermit crab analogy, but I thought it fit. How much work can another hermit crab be, really? But these people lied, and had no idea just how much more taxing another hermit crab is. I mean, baby. Three is a LOT more work. A LOT. Even now, when one of my children is gone for the day or evening, I think wow, making lunches for just two kids is a piece of cake! I really do think that. I may have issues. I know it may sound crazy (and I'm never crazy, see above), but somehow just the effort of three plates, three cups, three sandwiches.....it is consuming. But two? Well that fits in both hands. One trip across the kitchen to the table. See? So adding a third, for me, has really challenged my patience, but it seems that I can keep finding more when I need it and ask for it, and at just the moment when I think I'm about to run out and never have any again. Ever. I never would have thought I'd have the patience to school two kids while a one year old screams and colors on walls and jumps off tables, but I did it, and now it's done. AND I survived.

{Nowadays, I'm hoping to survive potty training. The jury is still out.}

2. Three is a crowd. Usually, two of anything get along quite nicely. Like two hermit crabs, for instance. (I don't know what's up with me and hermit crabs.) Two can play together, or sit together or run around together. But when you add a third, you throw in a strange dynamic that often creates two plus one. Meaning, two of them are playing and laughing and getting along just fine, but that means one of them is left out and showing it. And despite what you may think, it's not always the girls leaving Christian out. Not always, sometimes they all three can play together so nicely that I can get in my 10 mile run for the day, but some days it just doesn't go that way. Again, I just like to make sure you are paying attention - I don't run. Not ten miles, not one mile, not .5 miles. It's just not in me. But you know what is in me? Having three kids, apparently, and also chocolate chip cookies.

3. When your kids are a bit older, that two-ness can be SOSO sweet. I think I appreciate it more. (Now the flip side is I probably get more aggravated by the not-so-nice two-ness.) Since my other two are 9 and 6, I have long forgotten what it was like to have a two year old. Nine and six year olds, they don't climb into my lap when they are hurt. They don't follow after me like zombies with their arms out saying "up, pea, up, pea" (up, please). They don't say "you heavy, Mama" when I'm carrying them around, mostly because I don't carry them around. They don't having the sweetest little raspy voices that mispronounce words that send me into hysterics. Now, I know, they also don't send me in the fetal position in the corner chanting "make it stop, make it stop" but I'm trying to focus on the positive. Two years can be so, so exhausting, but there are some seriously adorable moments sprinkled into each day that make me want to eat her up. Ridiculously adorable.

4. God is sovereign. Of course I know that, but I say that with conviction and certainty, and I'll tell you why. I COULD NOT have had three kids a year apart, or even two years apart. I would have died. And God knew that, so he gave me two, and then another blessing a little further down the road. And I swear, all babies should come with a seven year old girl. (Ansley was seven when Avery was born.) She was so helpful with all the demands that come with a newborn, and now, as a nine and two year old, she is that much more helpful. Ansley gets her dressed, helps with potty training, fixes her breakfast, calms her down, eases her fears. And I can see that it has made Ansley so comfortable around other little kids, instead of being awkward like a lot of older girls are. I love that Ansley can quickly get most little kids to warm up to her fast, because she's used to it. She knows what it's like to have a younger one around, and she can be sensitive to those needs. I think it will make her a great babysitter, as well as older sister. And I think it's great that Christian will be so used to being around girls - one older, one younger, and he can hang with either one. He is sweet and thoughtful, and he has learned a lot about what it means to be a big brother. So even though I get "Wow, you really spaced them out!" and "Why didn't you just stick with two?" the ages of my children work perfectly for me.

5. I see things in my older two that I would have missed out on, and a side of their character that would have never gotten a chance to develop. I never would have known I was missing out, but in hindsight, I would be so sad to miss out on these moments. They love to play together, it's true. But I would have never witnessed how completely thoughtful Christian is when he brings his sister a cup of milk when she's crying. I would have never known that Ansley had the compassion to scoop Avery up in her arms when she's scared by thunder. Or seeing Christian read a story with Avery while waiting in the doctor's office. Or watching Ansley try everything under the sun to figure out why Avery is crying and what she can do about it. I would have missed out on the relationship that my kids have with each other, the kindness they show each other, the love they share, and the silly ways that only they understand. There is a side of Ansley and Christian that only Avery sees (and me if I'm lucky) and I love that they have this sweet, loving relationship of being one of the few to have known Avery her whole life. What a blessing this is.

And how blessed I am that I get to live it.

Right Now

Right now, I have a little helper with just about every task I (try to) accomplish in a day.

Right now, I eat (and bake) WAY too many chocolate chip cookies.

Right now, we read    L   O   T   S    of books every day.

Right now, we make lots of messes, and there are bits of learning in almost every room in our house.

Right now, some of us enjoy reading on the table.

Right now, life is busy with activities almost every day of the week.

Right now, we are painting dollhouse pieces, and someone is very excited.

Right now, life is full. Life is good. I am blessed.

How do you spend your days, right now? I encourage you to document it, because all too soon, these days will be gone and right now will mean something altogether different.

Perspective

Sick days are hard. I am tempted to get weary of the demands, the tears, the attitudes, and then just weary in general.

Three sick kids = long days.

And this isn't your run-of-the-mill sickness. This is knocked 'em off their feet, sleeping in the daytime, not eating, crying, coughing, pitiful kind of sick. The kind of sick that needs assistance and help frequently. The kind of sick that is distributing medicines regularly. The kind of sick that monitors fevers on a regular basis. The kind of sick that has to force drinks and crackers on her little people.

WEARY.

So in my weary seasons, I try to imagine the days when there won't be weariness, because there won't be three little ones to care for. I can't really imagine it at this stage, but trying to do so always makes me appreciate these days, even if they are tiring.

You see, one day........

....there won't be school room messes to worry about. There probably won't even be a school room. But right now, I love the sound of Christian (he's feeling the best out of the four of us) working on his projects. He loves to draw and color, cut things and glue things. I hear these sounds frequently coming from the school room. He is busy working, and I love it. Usually Ansley joins him. One day, this room will be quiet, and I will miss it.

One day, there won't be evidence of (failed) school attempts all over the house. There won't be books and notebooks and pencils in every corner. There won't be kids who ask to turn the fireplace on so they can rest by the fire. There won't be toys scattered about, evidence that the one year old was most definitely present. And even though I can be tempted to grow weary of the messes and the calls for help with a paper and the CONSTANT cleaning up after the baby, one day my house will stay neat. And I think, but I can't be sure, that I will miss the evidence that little kids roamed these halls and lived in these rooms.

One day, we won't go through stacks and stacks of writing paper and construction paper because the kids (mostly Christian) love to go through them like candy. But that also means there won't be sweet notes for me secretly left on the message board for me to find. Or notes written to me in a journal, left on my bed for me to discover. Yes, I will most definitely miss finding sweet notes to Mama, one day.

One day, there won't be turkeys in my windows, with paper scraps and colored pencils and pencil shavings all over the floor. I won't be able to laugh out loud when I see all these turkeys, one in each window, peering out at me. I might not remember how much craft time soothed sick souls, and how much they delighted in making things. I may not recall how the baby, at one, loved to climb on the table and throw things off onto the floor, and drive me crazy. But one day, I may miss that crazy.

So for now, all this makes me realize that I am happy to be in the season I am in, where messes are the norm and snotty noses go along with cleaning up and preparing dinner. I am thankful that I am blessed to be a Mama, that I am able to take care of my sick kids, and that we can spend our days together, making messes and turkeys, hand in hand.

"Life has blinding cycles of its own — but our God is always blazing glory.

And when you whisper thanks to God — you glimpse the glory of God and pure grace colors your world."  - Ann Voskamp

You

You are a great napper these days. (There was a day when you weren't. Actually, many months. Many long months.)

You generally wake up happy and say "up, pease", which is one of your favorite sayings.

You must have BunBun at nap and night time.

You love milk.

You do not love vegetables.

You love fruit.

You say "Mommy" 468 times a day (on average).

You say "Ahn-nie" (Ansley) about as many.

You cry for no reason.

You are adorable.

You scream for no reason.

You climb on everything, and I find myself saying "no, no" a lot.

You have a contagious laugh.

You are demanding.

You said your first sentence: "Where'd Mimi go?"

You are a great nighttime sleeper.

You are the Baby, even though you are a toddler.

You can be hysterically funny.

You are my most difficult toddler.

You are loved.

The Eggs

I came downstairs this morning, and Ansley had gotten the Baby up. That's not so unusual, as it happens sometimes if I'm still showering or getting ready and she wakes up earlier than usual. However, Ansley had also made Avery scrambled eggs, and was feeding her while making her own grits and helping Christian pour his cereal.

And my first thought was "THIS is nine??"

Awesome.

I have no idea if this is typical of nine year olds, because, well, Ansley is the only nine year old I have so I have nothing to compare it to. But I just want to document how extremely, massively helpful nine year old Ansley is. I am really blessed by her willingness to serve, and I hope to cultivate that passion in her. We met some new neighbors who have a two and a half year old and a one year old. Ansley was with me, of course, when we met them. The conversation turned to schooling, and the mom asked me where Ansley went to school. I said we homeschool, knowing this is usually the part in the conversation where things get weird and people have to go. ("Look at the time!" they'll say, and I know that's code for whoa, freak alert!) She was genuinely interested in it, and was not familiar with it at all. I talked about it briefly, and then she said something that just encouraged the mess out of me. Most days, I feel so overwhelmed and scattered, like I can't keep up or catch up or do all the things I want to do as a Mama. But then this complete stranger that I had known for all of five minutes said "Well, if THIS (pointing to Ansley) is the result of homeschooling, I can see exactly why you do it."

I can't even tell you how much that blessed me. Oftentimes, we homeschoolers get a bad rap as having freaky, overly sheltered non socialized kids, but this woman saw something in Ansley that wasn't freakish. She saw a nine year old girl who was quick with conversation, eager to help her out with her two children, and won over this stranger in a matter of minutes. I am not bragging about Ansley at all (ok, maybe just a little) as much as I am just so thankful that the fruits of our labor are starting to show. Homeschooling is HARD WORK, and as much as I am blessed by it, I am also challenged and stretched in new ways every day. I know God is teaching me so much through it that I never would have learned if my kids were in school. But oftentimes it is very thankless work. My kids don't give me hugs at the end of every day and say "Thanks for teaching us, Mom! We are so thankful for your sacrifice!"

So a new neighbor's comments at the end of the day just really cemented for me why I am called to this season, and why I'm okay with not getting thank you's at the end of every day, and even why I'm okay with the comments and looks we get from other peple, because the bigger picture is far greater than I could imagine.

So I delight in my daughter making eggs for my youngest, and my oldest getting a compliment that made me smile for days.

These days can be hard, but the rewards are SO SWEET.

I encourage you, homeschooling Mama, to keep at it. Keep pressing into the God who loves you and delights to encourage you. The rewards will come.

"In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

2:37 pm

Sometimes I wonder why God gave me this passion for cooking and baking things, yet absolutely no desire to exercise.

These are the things I ponder while I stuff myself with pumpkin pie, pumpkin bars, pumpkin muffins and the like.

Our after school treat today. I only get one chance a week to make an after school treat, so it has to be good. These fit the bill. YUM.

Things I've Learned

I love to read, and I tend to read A LOT of parenting books. I love books on discipline, homeschooling, and how to raise perfect children. Except that last one eludes me, so I stick with the first two. I love gospel centered parenting books, books that encourage me, inspire me, and make me want to be a better wife and mama.

But, sometimes, the best knowledge doesn't come from books. It comes from the day in, day out experiences of being a Mama. It's in the little moments of reading on the couch, coloring together, or handling an argument. It's in those precious moments where I bend down and soothe the crying child instead of running out of patience because they were running in the house and didn't they just spill that water on the floor that they slipped on?

Parenting is made up of thousands of moments just like that. Where we choose to run out of patience, or respond with grace and a Father-like, un-worldly love.

What have I learned in my seven and a half years of being a Mom? Well, way too much for one post, that's for sure. This list isn't all inclusive by any stretch, but these are the things that are hitting me fresh today.

1. Sometimes, babies sleep best when carried by their Mama.

I can read all the books that say not to use props and all about spoiling but SOMETIMES....sometimes? I'm just gonna hold my baby because I can. Because all too soon she will be busting out of this sling, on stable, sturdy feet of her own, running in the opposite direction, away from me. So right now, I'm gonna snuggle up to her and feel her baby soft skin against my own.

2. Children make messes. And I can either stress out about it or take a deep breath, relax, and work on a solution together. I just function better in clean, organized space. So I'm working on asking them to help clean up on a consistent, regular basis. In their own way, they can help, and it helps balance my burden while teaching responsibility.

3. Children have lots of energy, and love to explore (and make messes. Did I mention that?). These things are best experienced with my children. Instead of "hmmmmm-ing" through my day at the COUNTLESS things my children tell me, I stop and take a minute, sometimes even only a few seconds, to look at what they are talking about. I get down on the floor with them, dig in the dirt, ooh and ahh over a newfound bug (from a safe distance, of course, while threatening to withhold donuts for a year if it is thrown on me).

Sometimes it will be at convenient times and sometimes it won't, but it's always worth it to see the world from a child's eyes.

4. Babies make me happy.

Naked babies? Even more so. And especially this one. Those tiny parts and that chubby belly and rolly thighs and rubber band wrists and OH! I'm practically giddy with delight. And, I'm realizing, having a baby is the easiest part of parenting. She only cries, and I meet her needs quickly. She smiles and coos. It's not until she gets older that she will test my patience, talk back, and disobey. Right now, she's just this chubby bundle of sweetness. And I'm no Michelle Duggar, so I know eventually I will run out of babies, which is even more reason why I have to enjoy her NOW.

5. Children look up to their Daddies.

Children need their Daddies. I am who I am: nurturing and soothing, loving and calming. And how boring it would be if John were exactly the same! But thankfully, by God's design, he is who he is: silly and wild and rough and fun. There have been many times in our parenting that I am tempted to say "Not so rough!" but I don't. Because our kids love both sides, and it is good for them to experience the rough and tumble ways of their Dad. Of course, loving ways are mixed in there, too.

6. Children learn what they see and pick up on what they hear. Most often, when I'm struggling with a bad attitude from Ansley or quick-to-anger Christian, I can look in the mirror and discover where it's coming from. They are always watching, and it's SO important to live a life that is pleasing to God, because my children are only reflecting what they see.

7. Fresh air is good for everyone.

When all else fails and the day is whiney and school is disruptive, we head outside. There is something about being outside that seems to alleviate the stress of a bad day. Even Avery seems to enjoy looking around, and has yet to cry while we are outside. (But of course she's in the sling, so that could also be why.)

8. At the end of the day, or year, I pray that my kids remember a loving home, where they were encouraged and supported, where they grew in love for God and each other, where they learned to be kind and forgiving, and where they laughed way more than they cried.

What have you learned?